Friday, October 21, 2011

Love you Spam

To a Bitter-twitter, non MBA world, I thought of sparing you the agony of reading Arindham Chaudhry’s books on marketing in a first of its kind attempt to logically end the dispute of what Spam sells and what it doesn’t. Actually and factually everything sells. India by length, breadth, width and depth is a marketer’s dream canvas; you can without guilt, pound naïve masses with offerings of neo-physical importance less to the disappointment of the seller, the hope driven, eager to be uplifted Indian mind never disappoints. This isn’t only about celebrity spam; Jackie Shroff selling  ‘suraksha kawach’ at unearthly hours on TVC sky shop (following which he bagged the prestigious role in Dev Anand’s Chargsheet) and Arindham Chaudhry promising you a flourishing career with Free trips to the moon but about  all those people falling prey to the unknown Dick-enlarging, Wealth distributing, Match Making, Free MBA degree gifting, Jobs giving good Samaritans.
If you go by my inbox, you can wake up in a garage (not having seen a shooting star the previous night) and by night leave for Hawai islands to spend the rest of my life as millionaire playboy. All I’d have to do is pay $10 to add a few inches to break out of the great Indian small dick taboo, take a chunk of Bill Gates’ wealth being transferred to me via his illegitimate offspring in desolated parts of Africa, get in touch with the thermometer breaking, Hot and lonely singles in the vicinity looking for fun and fraandship. Not too sure how I would diplomatically say NO to Sergey and Larry, Narayanmurthy, Azim premji, Ratan Tata and the less persuasive Bill gates, all chasing me with job offers; Obviously for a six digit Indian salary. Few clicks away the cookie crumbles and if you rank slightly above the normal internet IQ you could set a filter in gmail to auto-delete/skip repetitive spammers.
The point is most part of the opportunity deprived populace carries a deep rooted urge of being saved by superman, and a local or Nigerian super-spammer-man gets you by your gut and makes you pay for it. Year on Year thousands of Indians fall prey to especially job-scandals and the best deals on Viagra (we will discuss that separately). Mails promising you job interviews in TCS, Infosys, Wipro, Microsoft, Google, Oracle, SUN etc. always ask you to deposit some amount in some PO Box number not used since the 1972 blockbuster Victoria No. 203. The more tech-savvy spammers would go the extra mile to register similar sounding domains (ex: www.jobsintatamotors.com). For as little as Rs. 1500 you can start fetching profiles from jobsites and monetizing every bit of information which is resold to marketers and spammers (by the way both are to be treated separately). WTF???

Saturday, September 10, 2011

The Man Who can Save the country

Lets face it we are a nation who enjoy cheap thrills. Time and again we rejoice beating Pakistan in the world cup, Feel happy when the United States makes an anti Pakistan statement and go conveniently soft when questioned about China's growing aggression. Like the Joker in Batman said, "What happened ??? Did your balls drop off??" Little has changed since independence and our benaami democracy has triumphed more by chance than by choice.

All ruling parties of Maharashtra have done little besides vomiting on each other, conducting mass rallies of uneducated/deprived audiences, changing names of places, and the best commercial effort came by Shiv-Sena : the launch of Shiv-Vada pav. Mind you before the nephew cub went on with his anti north Indian rant, The same propaganda was a Shiv Sena Initiative. Never mind so they are united in their intentions and divided in their actions. despite this all stall operators of the Jumbo King competition continue to be North Indians. Cheap Labour you see. One regime made the difference Victoria terminus changed to chatrapati Shivaji Maharaj, Under the threat of violence scared Ronald was forced to incorporate  मच्डोनाल्द  with his original McDonald. I was surprised MNS men dint go mad with abnormalities with the Barakhadi.  Then Sharad Pawar and his Gang, and the forever hibernating congress everyone came together only to witness farmar after farmer continued to hang himself, That Naxalisim spread to pockets of Maharasthra and under the 40 ft banner of India shinning men continued to shit in the open for lack of sanitation.

For all going gaga over the development in Gujarat, and Hailing The US visa reject Narendra Modi as a coming of the next Prime Minister. It is so convenient to forget the massacre that still haunts the minority community in that state. Modi made development happen, So did Nitish Kumar ( and FilmyKabootar grades him in higher regard given the state of his state) But isn't development precisely the reason we elect these lathergic men to rule us? If modi has done development it is his Job to do so and personally for him it could mean redemption from the slaughter he sanctioned. (My statements are based on videos on youtube), People hail modi cause everybody else is too busy Milking Mother India. These guys love breast feeding dont they??? They'll suck for blood when mother India is out of Milk.
So I said we are a people of cheap thrills and small joys.

Anna Hazare Looked like hope but than the Lokpal was more of Jokepal reality show. Manipur Activist Sharmila Chanu has been fasting for 10 years 
Follow the link here
and all India TV has to show is pigeons getting shot (even if it was oen of our fraternity stil... wtf???)

why is there No media coverage for this Woman? Shiv Sena Men will strip down to their underwear in front of dilipkumar's house to protest against a pro-Lesbian movie, Will burn  buses in lieu of misplaced punctuations and grammatical errors, The south will fight for changing Names and over water but no-one will stand in solidarity with causes really confronting the nation.

Filmy Conclusion

Creation can be divided in 3 colours:

Black: the political, Industrial and Gangster class
White: Birds, animals and Trees
Shades of Grey: the Common Man (Mango person aka aam aadmi)

Jokes apart in all consideration the only hope left is this Man, Such is the leadership we need:



Anil Kapoor In Nayak
we need a chrachter like this one

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Heroes of the Lokpal Protest

Why the Lokpal is becoming a JokePal?
Presenting to you, the Clowns of Lokpal
  1. Aridham Chaudhry gave a speech at the Ramlila Maidan

when self procliamed Management Gurus start supporting the lokpal, there is reason to worry.
FK: Why is he dressed up like a chick?

    2. Rahul Gandhi Distributed Samosas


वैसे थो आम आदमी के रोटी तक खा जाते है ...और फटने पे समोसे बात रहे हो सर्कार
FK: चन्न समोसों की मदद से देश को खरीदने निकला था हराम्ज्यादा..... है! (amitabh bachan style)

    3. Manoj Tiwari showed up


Dude Seriously!!! My guess is some one Tricked him into this saying it was a political rally of UP/Bihar. 
His only other credentials would be making songs like Seher ki tittli (www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJ2AOgwi9sY)
FK: Next time Guddu Rangila Puhleeej


    4.  Om Puri the 155mm howitzer
so what if he was drunk, he spoke his heart out I was actually expecting a Bhencod/Madarchod somewhere in his rant none the less Lokpal or No Om puri proved why actors who come from a theatre background always excel

FK: 21 Cannon Salute for the below satement
  आधे से ज्यादा नेता अनपढ़, जाहिल और गावर है

Conclusion:
- The tainted Management Guru gave his Idiotic Management Gyan
- The politician tried to win hearts with cheap freebies
- The Singer sang (I was actually expecting Bappi Lahiri, he has an innate nack of making situational songs)
- The actor showcased his theatrics


SOme people refuse to stay out of the lime light, Presence of audience is always an opportunity for cheap/ free publicity and we seen it Live, minute by minute coverage.

The Lokpal Movement

One of our fluttering correspondants over Ramlila maidan, Delhi, couldnt stay too far from the action. Because he was a low grade,less informed kabootar he sent out an SOS to the the Nest(filmy kabootar HQ)  claiming a reality show was on in full swing in Delhi. It was only a veteran kabootar's intervention that helped us get to the bottom of this mass scale event.

Honestly I cant tell the difference, Uprooting corruption is a necessity and Anna's original intention with the lokpal gets a 2 wing salute from our fraternity but because we are the only secular, democratic, metropolitan, unbiased beings here's our debate:


If Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jan_Lokpal_Bill#Background) is to be believed, the lokpal looks very promising. I want to begin by asking a fundamental question:
1.       To establish a central government anti-corruption institution called Lokpal, supported by Lokayukta at the state level.
2.       As in the case of the Supreme Court and Cabinet Secretariat, the Lokpal will be supervised by the Cabinet Secretary and the Election Commission. As a result, it will be completely independent of the government and free from ministerial influence in its investigations.

As a democracy We the citizen morons select fellow wealthy morons to govern us. Elections as always will always be selecting the lesser of two or more evils, Shouldn’t the lokpal be mandating Serious parameters for those who wish to contest elections. Sadly everyone flows with the media showcased propaganda and everyones out on the streets. With Due respect to the deceased the loss of close to 300 lives in 26/11 had hoards of people walking out for candle Light vigils and Peace marches all over. Where were these candle light vigils and Peace protests when women and children were massacred in Gujarat??? And the architect of annihilation (and I Do not make this statement in randomness. Feel free to Youtube seach any issue pertaining this for personal gratification) stands chief minister today basking in the glory of development. WOW! Did anyone say Sau chuhe maarke billi Haj ko Chali.
The candle light protests and peace Marches managed to get Manu Sharma, the murderer of Jessica Lall behind bars. BRAVO! Nothing followed to monitor the number of times Manu Sharma was out on parole Justice done??? Maybe or May not be. The point here is the judiciary must be empowered to tighten measures to overcome the loopholes that are easily manipulated.
Now if the Lokpal is to be followed Im not too sure lokpal will allow tackling issues like these cause ultimately people too are as naïve as their emotions, with a pinch of salt they allow things to happen and sink into a make belief world of righteousness. It is the Judiciary that must be empowered people can be as stupid as their fantasies and it is here that we will let it happen. The law of the land must be imposed with an Iron Fist and methods to speed up the process of bringing justice amended and upgraded. Matters of the judiciary in the hands of the lokpal which would only be accountable to the cabinet secretary and Election Commission might be catastrophic.


3.       Members will be appointed by judges, Indian Administrative Service officers with a clean record, private citizens and constitutional authorities through a transparent and participatory process.
4.       A selection committee will invite shortlisted candidates for interviews, video recordings of which will thereafter be made public.
Getting elected to the Lokpal committee would then be adding another competitive exam on the lines of UPSC and MPSC. Instead if the Election Commission and the Supreme Court can Mandate the pre-requisites for an individual wanting to contest and election we could actually be talking sense. Lets face it corruption at an officer level hurts lesser than at a ministry level. The point about video recording interviews and releasing it later is simply adding a reality show element to the Lokpal.



5.      Every month on its website, the Lokayukta will publish a list of cases dealt with, brief details of each, their outcome and any action taken or proposed. It will also publish lists of all cases received by the Lokayukta during the previous month, cases dealt with and those which are pending.
Is the Lokayukta trying to be a parallel legal system or a mere middleman? Justice is delayed, denied because people wont come out and present evidence like it should be, If the Lokpal can enforce the witness protection program and other provisions already in place then we might have something in place
6.      Investigations of each case must be completed in one year. Any resulting trials should be concluded in the following year, giving a total maximum process time of two years.
No comments


7.      Losses caused to the government by a corrupt individual will be recovered at the time of conviction.
Here is the problem. Getting them convicted, The law is twisted and the accused get away with less intensive charges. The individual might land up paying just a fraction of the total amount in propotion to the degree of offense he is proven guilty for.


8.       Government office work required by a citizen that is not completed within a prescribed time period will result in Lokpal imposing financial penalties on those responsible, which will then be given as compensation to the complainant.

9.       Complaints against any officer of Lokpal will be investigated and completed within a month and, if found to be substantive, will result in the officer being dismissed within two months.

10.   The existing anti-corruption agencies (CVC, departmental vigilance and the anti-corruption branch of the CBI) will be merged into Lokpal which will have complete power and authority to independently investigate and prosecute any officer, judge or politician.
11.   Whistleblowers who alert the agency to potential corruption cases will also be provided with protection by it.

Another critical flaw of the system would be granting autonomy to the committee to an extent that allows the Lokpal Committee to question and overpower the prime minister. Dude seriously??? Our Prime ministers have been more or less good. it is usually the lower grade land grabbing politicians who are wiping their ass with the countries flag.



Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Wasted Charachters- Because the Script Demanded

One More list from me and this time it is about women who played roles in movies that had nothing to do with them, Sure the movie could have done without them, but then Bollywood is incomplete without the feminine touch:

1. Dia Mirza in Shootout at Lokhandwala:
A male Reporter would have looked just as good but then Dia Mirza joined the shooting party.

2. Deepal Shaw in A Wednesday
I will blame Nasseruddin Shah in this case, of all the women reporters hechosse deepal shaw to call up for such a noble cause. Her ascent could have well ruined the entire planning, but then the rub of the green went the old mans way.

3. Neha Dupia in Qayamat
The movie could have been named THE COCK in retribution to the original inspiration THE ROCK. Somehow Neha Dupia convinces Ajay Devgan to Save hostages and Bombay. How she does it? is interesting, she bribes him with Love. Sob Sob

4. Jia Khan in Ghajini
Eager to Please a suffering man she runs around from pillar to post throughout the movie, Sorry for her the villian doesn't care and the hero doesn't remember.

5. Pooja Bhat in Border
Sharbani Mukherjee like Pooja Bhat also got a song in the movie but at the end of it she conceived. Tabu got her Husband back. Pooja Bhat had nothing to cheer except victory. No offense to the intent of the movie but hell the Battle of loungewala could have done without the melodrama

6. Neha Dupia again in Singh is King
I was just reminded she had intermittent appearances.

7. Vidya Balan in Guru
 Seriously Why??? For that one smooch scene ?????


8. All Women in LOC
Couldnt Kargil have done without half of Bollywood heroines???



Thursday, June 30, 2011

Bollywood and Colleges


The way colleges and college life has been depicted in movies over the years has inspired scores of on campus dress codes, trends and cultures that have dominated that era.
Now I think Bollywood is reaching its stage of equilibrium and over the years has subdued its instinct of personifying campus life. From the early 80s to now, three generations of Bollywood have left disturbing traces of anything in the name of art.
From the eighties till, before the beginning of 21st century every movie with college relevance would have the below:
Every college scene in any movie always had these bunch of not necessarily pretty women but women, mind you women in college with raunchy dressing playing basket ball, dribbling with both hands, cheering the college macho some of them with two plats and soda bottle glasses all of this to make that one heroine look super beautiful. Right, so many women and then there’s this one stud in college playing the guitar in a way that would make jimmy Hendrix cry in his grave, the nice guy who stands against the injustice and tyranny of ragging and other on campus social evils. Such good men on campus have inspired hair styles over generations from colossal side locks to puffed hair and mullets, to spiked hair this trend keeps changing. However what doesn’t change is this stud’s inevitable eloping with the college queen as they fight all odds together, battle family disputes all for love. The worst comes when the supposed hero just breaks out dancing (when he could say the same thing) to proclaim love and hate, and keeps dancing around the campus to lure this one supermodel in college, throughout 80% of the song she’s not interested and towards the end when she can take it no more submits to the will of the hunk.