Sachin Tendulkar and his 100th 100

Tell me you don't have a Maharashtrian friend called Sachin? Sach is the impact of sach he inspired a generation of parents to carry forward his legacy. Measuring just about close to the crotch of Curtly Ambrose, Sachin (now 100dulkar) has been fearless, aggressive, defiant and just about as middle class as any maharashtrian who lost his job since the textile mills in lower parel closed down. Tendulkar's career spans an era when Indian cricketers still used coconut shells as abdominal gaurds, covered by zipped pants and no branding to this day when cricket and cricketers have become brands in motion and still tendulkar true to his grass roots pays respect with half a Scot and the occasional ball-guard tampering. 

Anyways the smallest Maratha made his debut against Pakistan in 1989 just about the time that Kashmir militancy began. Pakistan unleashed its long range ballistic bowlers Waqar and Wasim and its mid range missile Abdul Qadir. In the hope of exploiting his adolescence Pakistani arsenal unleashed its best but little tendulkar reminiscent  of the Mogul era was hell bent on doing a shivaji and he did. From this series what he will really be remembered for is the nerve it took to get up to waqar younis after being hit on the nose, so he got hit, fell down, got up wiped the blood and took stance again, Frustrated by this defiance, Pakistan decided to send in more infiltrators into Kashmir, so it began 1989: The arrival of tendulkar and the reign of terror in Kashmir.

As tendulkar grew from strength to strength, the other players sub consciously outsourced the onus of victory on this yet to be man young player. The boy still took it head on. If there is any debate as to why he is great, I will credit the honor in attribution to his career between 1996 to 2000. Back then it was Tendulkar Vs Rest of the world. That was the moment of truth, Ultimately I realized Why was tendulkar the player who had to adjust his abdominal guard the most- Cause he has Balls of steel. For the long and fiery innings he played the friction produced more heat than others would ever know. 

Not to say that he stopped winning us matches as he grew older but tendulkar has his fair share of criticisim, much to his credit. Yes he did slow down playing when nearing a hundred. Dint play too many match winning innings in the last years of his cricket but you know what Indians love him, he can take a walk in a thong on the pitch and people will still love him. Marking the 100th 100 of the man today, so what if it came against Bangladesh? he hit 99 before that right?

My prediction is 100 years from now if Shiv Sena is still a political party, Sachin tendulkar will replace Shivaji as the mascot. 

Just a gentle suggestion to the great: You have done a lot and the country looks up to you, please dont Fuck your years of reputation with long hair and straightening. Shoaib Akhtar is already the bonafied Eunuch of world cricket. You looked better with your Jonny Lever hair style.

Rahul the wall Dravid

An entire generation of women who were growing up when dravid started his career are reported to have attained premature menopause at the news of his retirement. Well Almost! 

Arguably the most handsome cricketer of his times Dravid's success was inevitable. Dravid's international career started clean shaven against Sourav Ganguly sporting a thin (brush Zero sized) mustache, Javagal Srinath, Anil kumble and Azaharuddin sporting the telephone receiver shaped mustache after India's disastrous 96 world cup. Tendulkar was yet to get facial hair, Jadeja was out and Prasad scarcely mattered. Amidst hackled indian dressing room Dravid with his boy next door persona and deep rooted middle class mentality made him hero. How? Let me explain, In the 90's most of the team staged a peaceful protest at tendulkar's dismissal by not performing themselves but the non-congress batsmen anointed by Rajnikant throughout his young days stood defiant and slogged through the match, even if it meant loosing Dravid stood there. The Wall.


Years later historians will dispute dravid's real age. For he played cricket like they played two decades earlier oh his time. Feet Planted in, absolutely no urgency to score, tire the pace baller till he is forced to spin made his innings long, real long. Usually as indians switched channels at tendulkars dismissal and at the slightest ray of optimism tuned in to check who was the man of the match, Surprise! Surprise! Dravid was still batting. 200 balls no fours, no sixes and 20 not out. 


By the way the tittle 'the wall' had nothing to do with hitting the ball, was it was simply the undying attitude "If I loose this government job? I will be selling Jam with daddy!" that made him stand through Allan Donald, Wasim Akram, Chutney Ambrose, Darren Gough and the likes. Dravid's career can actually be categorized into three phases
1. When he dint hit sixes
2. When he started hitting sixes (all of which had to be approved by the third umpire simply because they werent comprehensive enough)
3. When he hit it in the stands


Unfazed by match fixing, rarely criticized for performance, thrown out once and fought back in to stay. SALUTE

The ideology of Zaid Hamid

Zaid Haramid,

I gather your schizophrenia has taken a radical turn into verbal diarrhea and theres absolutely no hint of a slow down. Every time you open your mouth, the small farts make way for the mega conspiracy shit explosion, your sporadic nose rubs and hand shrugs with a little neck shakes express the joy of an un-paid midget roasting your nuts with Zippo lighter under seat.

You have probably learnt of nazisim and have by now over a million masturbations to Hitler. But your audience is the less educated Pakistani youth who till now dont know about the world wars and still think Muhammad Bin Kasim was the ruler of Europe and Pakistanis are actually Arabs, are the ones who entertain you. I recently heard of your SAFMA court hearing:

Dude Seriously!!! Look at your supporters? Half of them are just happy they are being photographed. Who amongst them looks like they can spell what they are holding? Your 3 rupee chart paper and 2 rupee sketch penned placards  with one-promised-sheek-kebab-pav meal bribed supporters you set out to conquer the world. What is wrong with you?

Coming back to your obsession with Nazism and Hitlers rise to power- you think imitating Hitler will make you like him? through your speeches and social media awareness the people pf pakistan willl hail you as their supreme leader with unconditional power, (which is why you keep farting about "a care taker government") and then you will chase Israel, India and the united States with your paper boats remtoe control choppers? You think one day people will raise their one hand to shout out "Hail Zaid"! Knowing the voacb of your countrymen they will scream out "Hey Zaid teri G@@nd me Chaid" and the arabic suffixes as applicable.


Besides

Let me address some of your popular jargon:

1. You start your tweets and messages with "Dear Children"
your inability to get your wife children made her divorce you. Common dude? now you want to pull others children in your fantasy war? Try Call of Duty 4 I've heard its awesome.

2. You Tweet in Arabic
Chutiya! you think your jihadis friends in FATA and Waziristan have a twitter enabled AK-47? Or are Madarassa in pakistan charging extra fees for "Internet and computer fees" in addition to the bomb making tutorials?

3. Romance in history and War
Please go back to point number one. Your hormones are just not meant for these things. Not everyone relishes the idea of getting sodomized by a gun barell.

4. Posted a new Video on Facebook
See everyone knows for a fact that YOUTUBE has banned your hate rant videos. Now you have to choose cheaper alternatives such as blip.tv to monetize your videos

5. The country is surrounded by enemies
Yes. Israel, India and US. So you have set a personal record of distorting history and Geography. Wont be surprised if the Maps in your books show the arabic sea to the north and afghanistan somewhere around australia.

6. Ideology
Yes the eternal ek-baal ki ideology

 Zaidu. You are thriving on Photoshop, Movie maker, Facebook and Twitter. Just a moment before the Zionist who own this media ban you. then you can go back to your madarassas and scream on a microphone.

Dear Poonam Pandey [Hot (not) and (not) Sexy]

Dear Poonam Pandey,

Lets just say pollution accelerates mutation (Your twitter profile says your 19 and most of the years you've spent without clothes so my best estimate is- you haven't stepped into college yet. So to explain mutation to you here it goes -Mutation is a phenomenon significant to many aspects of life on Earth and is one of the principal means by which evolutionary change takes place). Never before in my recent memory had I seen anything like yourself, a sardine with the udders of a cow, Now that is a genetic case study. To your credit you  have single handedly transformed the masculine stereotype of a 'Pandey'. Before the world cup a Pandey would invoke a visual caricature of a dhoti, one ball scratching hand and dripping paan which you have successfully changed to strings, kerchiefs and silicon sculpture blend this with the very Indian 'Poonam' meaning full moon; an object of religious significance across faiths. This makes you the only worthy face of the subcontinent for reasons being:

1. Your first name represents an object respected by the two most dominant faiths
2. Nudity was an integral part of Ancient Indian culture. (Pay a visit to Ajanta Ellora caves for further clarification)
3. With your boobs come your bones, symbolic of the wealth and poverty and starvation prevalent in the sub continent
4. Lastly like Mahatma Gandhi you decided to stop wearing clothes for the nation.

Besides you are the next generation girl and the most downloaded model from India surpassing John Abraham and Milind soman the champs of the last two decades.Times are changing and how! The male dominated industry is finally paying its dues to the ladies and you honey are the catalyst of change(some times meaning chillar).

Your success comes at a time when online porn is available for free which is commendable. just shows the indian audience love for ravishing the anti climax(in your context the last patch of cloth hiding your real gender). 

Twitter is but a movie credits screen without you and at times KRKs kamakazee micro-blogging showcase. Your tweethearts from over the world and under the sea are testimonies to your ability to induce a hormonal avalanche through text and images. 

For all the accolades you've earned. It burns my heart when people use derogatory and defamatory adjectives in  reference  to your profession. If chetan Bhagat can be an author, Rahul Gandhi can aspire to be the PM then you too can be a model. Trust me Titanic would never sink had Jack and rose been MF hussain and Poonam Pandey both would do what they do best, nobody would have spied on you and the guards would have been more vigilant, but thats gone.

If Kanit Shah had the money He'd cast you in his version of the Titanic: Tight and panic

I Dont know what the world says to you but your fame is symbolic. Lets just call it Rise of the Transgenders

Respct!

Rapes in Delhi- When will this stop???

Why is Delhi/Noida the rape capital of India? Every week there has to be a rape/molestation case reported in TOI. Not too sure if this has to do anything with the qutub minar's physical location being delhi and Delhites interpretation of it being any different from known historians but

My gut feeling says maybe some men in Delhi have an extra testicle or probably they simply rub testosterone on their parathas every morning. 

Here is the little summary:

Everyone without a penis from an MD to a maid,

who does not wish to get laid even after being offered to get paid,

will get raped! Fuck Sad!

2012 and the fucking capital is unsafe for women despite having  sheela dixit and  sonia gandhi out there. Cmon Rapists... while most of the country danced to sheela ki jawani and you are my Sonia you took it quite literally dint you? 

(note: Names have been used in small case to intentionally showcase disrespect. Come get me sibal my fellow kabootars are waiting for target bombing practice against hostile guerrillas )). I dint want to list down the week on week cases as reported, but if you've been reading you knw what i'm saying. 

I wonder if they have tweaked the pledge for delhi boys schools to sound like:

India is my country all Indians are my brothers and sisters,

but God cant help the fact that I dont mind being a painnchod and the rest ka kya karna hai???

Sorry delhi boys, god gave you bulk, fair skin and stuble stretching down to your pubes but when you try your google translate empowered punjabi pick up lines it kinda negates the desired effect. If you think your dick is mighty enough lets talk to the defense ministry to introduce a Lund regiment for you guys where you stab the bad guys with your most misused organ.

The horniness in delhi couldn't escape fiction either. How the fuck in hell would an ugly looking paunchy guy get the balls to nail a moderately hot professor's daughter at his residence? I'm talking about chetan bhagat's 5 point some one- it had to be in IIT-Delhi. Granted the girl too was involved but for those who have under life threat or voluntarily read the book know that chetan's protagonist always had the intention to have sex while the girl who had lost her brother was looking at filling in the void.

Where does the love for vagina end? Seemingly never. Its like if you rape a lady figure proportionate to your social stature its simple sex but if you exceed your aukad then we call it rape. So we hear Driver rapes BPO employee, school Girl raped by college boys, 53 year old raped and killed by servant etc. 

Without prejudice the chauvinism has been carried forward to the larger lady figure our very own Bharat mata and  Delhi has relentlessly fucked everything of national interest. Kalmadi did his best to rape the Common wealth games but the media foiled what the CIA couldn't. Thats one, for extra knowledge you must google for reasons beyond mere scoring high at Group discussions for entry into MBA colleges.

Generally Delhi would rank high on horniness, globally. The number of rapes and the brutality of each is as good as the pre Ice age form of living known to man.

By the way Delhi ain't that bad. The infrastructure is an example for the rest of India. I mean where else can you possibly rape some one in a moving Car with fucked up roads.  So kudos! Till you rot hell!

I support this man's views. So should you. 

For any delhite reading this. In your defense you might want to quote stats of other states but thats not the point Im making. Unless TOI is making shit up you know what Im trying to say.